Done being fat

Being fat isn't just about the physical. It is easy to look in the mirror and see that things have gone awry. The results are evidence in and of themselves. It is more difficult to consider the psychological and emotional reasons and effects that come from and influence that body in the mirror, as well as the effects that body in the mirror has on the person.

I ate because the food I was eating tasted good. I ate because there was nothing else to do. I ate because I needed a secondary activity to keep me focused on the first, whether it was reading a book, watching a movie, or some other adventure in laziness. I ate because I'd had a bad day and there was no better way to stave off a bad mood than a double-scoop of ice cream. I ate because there was something missing in my life and double-cheeseburgers, well, surely, they could fill that void. I ate because I didn't need a reason to do it and not having to justify it was good enough for me.

When I started to gain weight, I was mired in a pool of uncertainty about where I came from, where I was going, who I was, and what I wanted from life. That pool was (as still is, to some extent) a quicksand of unhappiness. Food was a magical thing that wouldn't tell me no, wouldn't judge me for my own perceived limits and failings, wouldn't require me to account for my own actions. The truth? Food let me down big time. I let myself down big time.

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"I carry it well."

"You look fine. Love yourself for who you are."

"You don't need to change."

These are some of the things that you tell yourself, that others tell you when you are fat. Only the second sentence of the second statement above is true. Loving yourself for who you are is very important but when you don't love who you are on the outside, it is a struggle to love who you are, because of what you feel on the inside. When you are unsatisfied with yourself, it is difficult to imagine that others could be satisfied with what you have to offer.

You see, when you are fat, you don't get the education, you don't get the jobs, you don't get the relationships or the girl because you don't choose to live. You hold yourself back because being fat becomes an easy excuse not to do anything. Eventually, excuses don't suffice.

The turning point comes when you realize that you cannot continue to live fat. You cannot continue to feel winded after a flight of stairs or when you bend over to tie your shoe. It comes when you become tired of seeing that shirt that would look great on you if you weighed 50 pounds less or that pair of jeans that would fit so nicely if you could fit into a waistline 6 inches smaller. It comes when you are fed up with the too-warm feeling that comes from being overweight and is experienced regardless of season. It makes summers hell.

There are other moments which build upon each other. I wouldn't wish that stab of shame that comes from realizing that this is what you have done to yourself upon anyone. It's actually not uncommon to feel that stab of shame a few times throughout the course of a day. You see, being fat isn't just about being fat. It became, for me, the defining characteristic of who I was, what I was about. It wasn't really about what others said or did to me, rather the things I imagined others thought to themselves about me. When weight impacted my confidence, it served to magnify other uncertainties and sometimes snowballed.

When I think about my struggle with being overweight, I am reminded of lyrics from "Simon" by Lifehouse:

Locked inside
The only place
Where you feel sheltered
Where you feel safe
You lost yourself
In your search to find
Something else to hide behind
...
Refuse to feel
Anything at all
Refuse to slip
Refuse to fall
Can't be weak
Can't stand still
Watch your back
Cause no one will

You see, the getting fat and being fat...they are like that. For me, a traditionally private person, the struggle came when I was hurting and uncertain about some aspects of my life and I wasn't sure who I could turn to, what I could do about them. When I didn't reach out, I left myself with only me to turn to and that...that is not healthy. I could chase thoughts around inside my had, where nobody could judge me, for as long as it took but that didn't solve the root of the problem. I am a proud person and getting over the idea that vulnerability was equivalent to weakness was one that I struggled with greatly and an idea that I still do from time to time. What I am trying to say is that food was the antidote for the unhappiness I felt, the moments of loneliness, the numbness that I felt occasionally. As things changed and I developed closer friendships I changed for the better but the old habits and behaviors still remained.

I have sworn many times that I would change my habits, lose the weight, become healthier and happier. This latest effort cannot be more of the same. I need a victory, for my health, my mind, and my life. The impact on my life has become too much for me to continue to tolerate. The moments of insidious self-doubt that are compounded by my issues with my body, times of uncertainty clouded by image issues that have no business dictating what I do in life must go.

I know that I have so much to offer those I come in contact with and this in general and I will not be held back because of an isses that I can do something about. This isn't just about body image, this is about feeling WHOLE, about feeling in sync physically and mentally, about not being ashamed of how I look when I can control it. Failure is not an option and cannot be an option. Success is subjective and I have not defined success as of yet, but I know that with each passing week, as the scale displays a smaller number that the week before, my resolve strengthens, my confidence grows, and I know that I am one step closer to conquering what has been, for me, a lifestyle choice that has brought me great unhappiness.

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There are probably some things that I forgot to touch on which I may address in the future. Until then, let this be a record of how I feel about my weight and where I am headed...probably more in depth about this subject than I have gone in some time. I don't think this will become a trend but the truth is that there are things that I am going to be doing differently because I feel like I am wasting my life, wasting my potential by leaving it untapped. Potential only gets you so far, you need only ask Darius Miles about that. I know that when I have it together, I can be scary good. I want to be scary good again.